the past few weeks have proved to be interesting. I spent 4 days in the hospital with a kidney infection and then got diagnosed with mono. before you go all jumping to conclusions and stuff, I don't know where I got either one. I know that I don't slow down, ever. but, I never have, my coworkers will gladly attest to that. I guess it all caught up with me.
in those 4 long days in the hospital, and the time I've been forced to stay home, I have had plenty of time to think. I don't think that since I've been 18, I've been happy alone. I bounced around from "relationship" to "relationship" my entire freshman year, and then when someone showed me what love was really like, it was awesome. the summer after my freshman year, I kind of stopped looking for relationships and just turned it over to God, and he blessed me with my first serious relationship. after that relationship ended, I sensed myself going in a downward spiral. it was like I had taken a backseat to my life and was just watching myself constantly mess up. I've come to realize that right now, I am in no condition to be pursued. I'm jaded. I'm a mess. consider yourself warned. people tell me that they just want me happy. I can't be happy with someone else in my life until I'm happy by myself, with who I am. because it's not fair to anyone for me to expect someone to be happy with me, when I'm not happy with me.
it's a long road. but I've got a pretty good little head start. I just need to remember that it's okay to be 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.
it's time for some changes. and this is going to be great. I think I want to move out of this town. I need a fresh start, where no one knows my family, me, or anything. I need to make a name for myself, and on my own. I think I'm re-thinking the whole PA school thing. I really just want to help people. I'm thinking about maybe doing ultrasound. I want to help high-risk and/or underprivileged pregnancy patients. I know there's more to it than that. but I've been blessed. it's time for me to bless others.
"Oh, this is the start of something good, don't you agree?"
