I've got a hammer and a heart of glass

i forgot what it was like to let someone in. i know that i'm jaded. i know that i'm a little bit of a realist, and i have the tendency to shut people up when i feel like they're being unrealistic. i've got a bad habit of pulling people down out of the clouds. i was bad about that with my former roommates. my heart had been through enough to know when they were being ridiculous. now, far be it for me to tell anyone not to dream. that's not the point. in the words of one of my rad-tech professors, "this is america. you're free to do what you want." it was fitting for him to say so, seeing how he'd fought for our freedom.

all i've been used to is people leaving. not to say that i haven't walked out on people. but. i've been walked out on by someone that is (was) biologically programmed to love me and my sister. forever. that's not a word i take lightly. i believe in forever. i believe in promises. and once you've taken those away. we don't have a whole lot left for me to deal with from you. but, today, my eyes were opened. someone that cares about me very much, made it very clear to me that all i've done was push people away because i'm scared of getting hurt. i know what it's like to be left hanging out to dry. but there are a whole lot more people who actually care about me that have stuck around. and those are the ones that matter. and i don't know who all even reads this. but if i've done that to you. consider this an apology.

in other news:

i bought a new car!!!! 

-evan and i named her leia. it would've been stormtrooper, but the voice on the bluetooth (safety first, boys and girls) is a female. i absolutely love it. :) 

-i mailed my application to tyler junior college for their diagnostic medical sonography program (ultrasound). i won't know anything until june, but i take all the prayer and thoughts i can get.