I've got a hammer and a heart of glass

i forgot what it was like to let someone in. i know that i'm jaded. i know that i'm a little bit of a realist, and i have the tendency to shut people up when i feel like they're being unrealistic. i've got a bad habit of pulling people down out of the clouds. i was bad about that with my former roommates. my heart had been through enough to know when they were being ridiculous. now, far be it for me to tell anyone not to dream. that's not the point. in the words of one of my rad-tech professors, "this is america. you're free to do what you want." it was fitting for him to say so, seeing how he'd fought for our freedom.

all i've been used to is people leaving. not to say that i haven't walked out on people. but. i've been walked out on by someone that is (was) biologically programmed to love me and my sister. forever. that's not a word i take lightly. i believe in forever. i believe in promises. and once you've taken those away. we don't have a whole lot left for me to deal with from you. but, today, my eyes were opened. someone that cares about me very much, made it very clear to me that all i've done was push people away because i'm scared of getting hurt. i know what it's like to be left hanging out to dry. but there are a whole lot more people who actually care about me that have stuck around. and those are the ones that matter. and i don't know who all even reads this. but if i've done that to you. consider this an apology.

in other news:

i bought a new car!!!! 

-evan and i named her leia. it would've been stormtrooper, but the voice on the bluetooth (safety first, boys and girls) is a female. i absolutely love it. :) 

-i mailed my application to tyler junior college for their diagnostic medical sonography program (ultrasound). i won't know anything until june, but i take all the prayer and thoughts i can get. 

happy by yourself

the past few weeks have proved to be interesting. I spent 4 days in the hospital with a kidney infection and then got diagnosed with mono. before you go all jumping to conclusions and stuff, I don't know where I got either one. I know that I don't slow down, ever. but, I never have, my coworkers will gladly attest to that. I guess it all caught up with me.


in those 4 long days in the hospital, and the time I've been forced to stay home, I have had plenty of time to think. I don't think that since I've been 18, I've been happy alone. I bounced around from "relationship" to "relationship" my entire freshman year, and then when someone showed me what love was really like, it was awesome. the summer after my freshman year, I kind of stopped looking for relationships and just turned it over to God, and he blessed me with my first serious relationship. after that relationship ended, I sensed myself going in a downward spiral. it was like I had taken a backseat to my life and was just watching myself constantly mess up. I've come to realize that right now, I am in no condition to be pursued. I'm jaded. I'm a mess. consider yourself warned. people tell me that they just want me happy. I can't be happy with someone else in my life until I'm happy by myself, with who I am. because it's not fair to anyone for me to expect someone to be happy with me, when I'm not happy with me. 


it's a long road. but I've got a pretty good little head start. I just need to remember that it's okay to be 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. 


it's time for some changes. and this is going to be great. I think I want to move out of this town. I need a fresh start, where no one knows my family, me, or anything. I need to make a name for myself, and on my own. I think I'm re-thinking the whole PA school thing. I really just want to help people. I'm thinking about maybe doing ultrasound. I want to help high-risk and/or underprivileged pregnancy patients. I know there's more to it than that. but I've been blessed. it's time for me to bless others. 


"Oh, this is the start of something good, don't you agree?" 

Change.

My heart aches tonight. I miss the way things used to be. Things are supposed to change, and I get that. Trust me, the only constant in my life right now is change. There's a change of plans, change of pace, even a change of dreams. 


There's a saying I've heard, and it's "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." And that is exactly what I did. I had the next 5 years planned down to a T. Then relationships ended, new ones began, and that's when I realized that change will happen, and I need to embrace it. The more I fight it, the more it seems to happen.


Growing up, I was ALWAYS, always a Daddy's girl. I was always "helping" him. Like how I "helped" him build our swingset and treehouse when I was still an ankle biter, or being right under his feet in the garage. He built me a pretend grill so I could stand next to him when he was grilling for us. We used to watch Hulk Hogan and DDP on WWF, and Bobby and Terry Labonte race. I would go to his office and feel like I ruled the world. My sister, Allison and I used to go out to the warehouse behind the office and play hide and seek. We had a code, in fork-lift honks because it was so loud that we knew we couldn't yell loud enough. I remember this one time that he took me with him on the golf course with one of his friends. Now, at the time, I was probably 6, and this was the best thing ever. It was Dad and his buddy, and me and my dinosaur shaped cookies. If you know anything about me, it's that a.) I'll talk to anyone. b.) I'll talk loudly. c.) I happen to think that golf is one of the most boring things ever. BUT to each his own, and that was Dad's. I remember running out of dinosaur cookies, and that was probably by about hole 5. 13 to go, right? well. I'd had enough. I didn't throw a fit, I just felt it necessary to declare to the world that I was out of cookies. I don't really remember Dad's reaction to this, but I do remember someone telling him that I needed to be quiet. I haven't set foot on a golf course since. Not for golfing purposes anyway. 


With that said, in 2 months, my Father will have been out of my life for the same amount of time he was in it. I was 11 years old when he left. Sixth grade had already proved itself a challenge, and now this was added to it. Up until that point, I'd always pictured my Dad walking me down the aisle when I got married. Now, whether or not he gets an invitation will be the biggest decision that he'll be involved in.


Things happen in life to make you stronger. 


I miss the times that me, Allison, and my cousins Wesley and Callie (and a few short years later, Bradley) had our own town in the upstairs game room. They were living in Bossier at the time, then they moved to Norfolk, VA. Our family is so blessed to be so close, even through the distance. And even through the crazy stuff that happens, we still know that we're there for each other. My older cousins, Marc and Katie (each are now married with beautiful children) and I had the opportunity to sit down and talk this summer at Marc's middle child's birthday party. I wish that we had more moments like that. Even though it was only maybe 20 minutes of un-interrupted time, that has NEVER happened between the three of us. (Especially considering that I used to "style" Marc's hair when he was a teenager and I was a kid, and once I got a round styling brush stuck in Kate's hair.)


It's funny how mature we all get once we get older (note: growing up will never happen)


All during Rad-Tech school, I had these best friends. Kristin, Kevin, and Thomas. We all knew our relationship would change the night we graduated. Kristin and her husband moved to south Louisiana, and Kevin moved home. They both now attend the same school. Thomas and I are still local, but our paths haven't crossed in about a month or so. These 3 people made my life so much better. They've seen me at my best, and more importantly, my worst, and still, for some reason unknown to me, love me. I miss them so much. I'm proud of all of us. 


I miss the way things used to be. I miss the people that would pop me in the head, tell me to get over myself, and walk a little taller with my chin a little higher. 


Change happens. The best thing you or I can do with it is take it and run with it. It isn't always good. It isn't always fun. But, I can assure you, it's supposed to happen.

It started as an assignment, it ended as me pouring my heart out in a word document.

I am currently a senior student at the University of Louisiana at Monroe. I will be graduating on May 21, 2011 with a Bachelor of Science in Radiologic Technology, Cum Laude. I also work part-time at Bath and Body Works in Pecanland Mall. I plan to restart taking classes in June and continue on through next spring. I will begin the application process to Physician Assistant School at LSU Health Science Center in Shreveport this summer also. I lack about 23 credit hours before I am eligible to apply, so that is why I will be at ULM for about another year after I graduate. During that year, I hope to get at least a PRN job at one of the local hospitals as a Radiologic Technologist. I still have a passion for radiology.  I have already decided that if I am not accepted to PA school on my first try, I will either try again, apply to Radiology Assistant School, or maybe go back to get more pre-requisites for medical school. I feel like as a Physician Assistant, I can do whatever I become interested in while I am in school. I’ll probably do something along the lines of Orthopedics. I would be okay if I worked in a clinic, but if I got the chance to work under a surgeon in a hospital, I would probably choose that. As I said earlier, if it does not work out for me to go to PA school, I will apply to Radiology Assistant School. This is something that is not practiced in Louisiana, and I am okay with that. I have been in Louisiana for 22 years; I think that there are bigger and better places out there for me. The school I am looking at for that is in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. With that degree, I could work under a radiologist, and perform exams just like a radiologist would. I would have the same freedom as a PA; I would be able to do whatever the physician would allow me to do. I do want a family someday. I think that the flexibility of a Physician’s Assistant would allow me to balance work and a family life. There are some girls that are cut out for the stay at home mother type of lifestyle, but that is not me, by any means. I want to work and have a family.

At this point in my life, I am young, recently out of a fairly serious relationship, and have nothing really holding me to this area permanently. I guess I am hoping that in the next few years I meet someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I am not rushing it, by any means. I want at least two kids, preferably three. I am supposed to have twins; at least, that’s what I am told. I want to live within an 8 hour drive of my mom and my husband’s parents. But I want to live closer to my sister. She is one of my best friends.  I want to spend time traveling. I want to go to New York, Boston, Vegas (but I have to go there after I get married, otherwise I will come back with a husband from God knows where), and Seattle. There are places I have already been that I would love to go back to. I also want to go to Europe. There are a ton of places over there I would love to go. I even think I want to go to Africa for a little while. That is something I have thought about a lot, actually, going to Africa to provide health care for people that are really sick, and truly cannot afford it. We will see about that one. I want a career, but I mostly just want to help people.

Regardless, I want to be successful. I know that at the end of the day, my friends are the best, my family is my support, and my education is priceless. My grandfather always tells me, “Honey, get as far as you can in your education, because that’s one thing they’ll never take away from you”. That is something I always think about when I think about my future.

*End of what was submitted*

It's funny how your whole life can change in what feels like an instant. You sit there and think about planning your future with someone else one day, and the next week, you're sitting in your apartment discussing how much you really want to be in that relationship anymore. I blame no one but myself. Seriously. People change. It's part of life. I'm not the same person now that I was at 18. And all of you should be saying "Praise Jesus."

 Last week, I had a talk with one of my good friends from high school, and we were talking about middle and high school (we've known each other since we were 4, so I think it's safe to say that we go back) and we both were forced to grow up early in life due to situations life threw at us. My parents got divorced, hers just kind of went nuts. Anyway, up until I started college, I was a truly angry person. Honestly. I'm surprised I had any friends. I was so aggressive, and so tough, and oh so very defensive. About everything. I'd like to say that senior year I improved, but I actually got into two fights that year, bringing my grand total up to three. One was on the soccer field with a freshmen boy that thought he was going to tell a Captain of his varsity girls' team (me) what to do, and pushed me. So I shoved him to the ground. Never had any problems out of him toward the rest of the girls as long as I was around. The second happened during a Powder Puff football game. Girl grabbed my jersey and thought she was going to sling me to the ground (keep in mind I was never the smallest girl AND I had broken my femur my Junior year and put on a good 60 pounds), so when she didn't succeed, I punched her. The year before, there was a fight that didn't involve me, and the girls got kicked out. I guess no one saw us. 

Anyway. After my freshmen year of college, I had this whole new perspective on life. I was happier to be alive. I had given up being angry, because I couldn't change what I was angry about. being angry wouldn't make my dad come back. Being angry wouldn't make my Memaw be alive again (she died during finals week of my first semester). And that summer, I went to a wonderful camp in Texas. I met someone that summer I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We were together from the middle of that summer for 2 years and seven months, to the day. In camp relationship years, that is pretty much forever. Couples from that camp that started dating after us were getting married before he and I broke up. Which made me incredibly impatient. But I had to realize, we weren't the typical couple. We were the long distance, in it to win it kind of couple. Which, in my mind, made us better than every one else. Some couples had the nerve to call us a fake couple. To which I replied that they were a weak couple. Both of us were (are) incredibly headstrong, and knew what we wanted and we wanted to be together. And by God, and God alone, we went through thick and thin together. But when the time came for it to be over, it wasn't the way that I thought it would be. With my aggressive and defensive past, I figured it would be some kind of knock-down, drag-out, yell, fight, scream, throw stuff kind of break up. But it wasn't. It was peaceful. It was mature. It made me feel more like a grown up than all the previous wedding talk could've ever made me feel. It was two separate discussions. It wasn't any kind of irrational reasoning. We actually talked about it, stopped talking about it, went to eat dinner and hung out with some friends like nothing had ever happened. The next morning, we talked about it some more, and he left. He never asked for anything back. The only things we took/got back from each other were actual personal items that had been kept (read: left) at each other's apartments. All he took was a tennis racket, and all I asked for was a single flip flop and he found a t-shirt of mine at his place, which he eventually mailed back to me. Like I said, I felt mature. I was okay. Strangely okay. Sure, telling people was the hardest part, but that's because I've always been concerned with what people thought of me. We had accumulated a ton of mutual friends over the period that we were together. And apparently, each of us thought the other would tell them, so a lot of people found out about it the hard way. Yeah, that's right. Facebook. 

Anyway. That's enough about that. I'm graduating soon. Whoooo hoooooo! Then it's back to school in June! :) Let's do this.